Growing up. (yet another personal rant you’re welcome to ignore)
I am trying to remember that I am tired. And I am always emotional when I am tired.
But it is so difficult to go from being happy and satisfied with one relationship to thinking on another one that you want to work even more and realizing that it probably is never going to. And that’s not my being tired and negative for no reason; that is the culmination of every logical voice in my head. “Life isn’t a RomCom” “Challenges don’t make it a good relationship” “If the feeling is mutual, the effort will be equal” etc.
The most ridiculous part: I am still afraid to call the first my boyfriend, and I still do not have the strength to give the second up.
There was a sign in a store in the mall today that read “Are you the person you were a year ago?” Hell of a back to school sale poster. I realized I wasn’t sure how to answer that question. Last year that question was one I pondered and the changes were easy and obvious. This time I’m not as sure.
I am more worn down than I was last year. I am still in love with someone who may never feel the same about me. We are at least on speaking terms again though. I am finding myself in terms of new relationships, romantic and friendly. I have a better understanding, first hand in fact, of what symptoms of depression are really like. Where I once prided myself on being the mother of the group, I am tired of feeling responsible. I mean, hell, I can barely take care of myself why do I have to care so much about everyone else?1 But I guess that may have been the problem all along, not putting myself high enough on the priority list. So how do I do that? How do I make better choices for me? Is it the man I’m painfully in love with (despite my better judgement and who may just leave me feeling lonely as he has a habit of)? Or is it the guy who makes me happy, and is better with the open quality of our relationship, and whom I like a lot, but do not love?
Am I the person I was a year ago? No. I’m more confused than ever. I guess I’m growing up.